Will you be my friend?

The confusing and complicated realities of online social and parasocial relationships.

We’ve talked before in our post Too much screen time? about how video games can provide opportunities to fulfill all three pillars of Self-Determination Theory: competency, autonomy, and belonging. With this post, we want to focus on the different ways games and other online experiences can give us and our kids a sense of belonging.

The screen time fear-mongers warn about the perils of virtual interactions replacing face-to-face ones, but online interactions can build a greater sense of community both in the physical and virtual world that have tangible benefits.

Kids (and all humans) tend to build relationships based on proximity and similarity (Hartup, 1992; Osgood et al., 2022), meaning kids that are in the same places (even virtual places) and like the same things are more likely to become friends. In modern society, a lot of the possible interests are based in technology, either as the thing of interest (a video game or TV show or celebrity) or as a means of connecting with others around these interests.

Social Relationships Online

Social relationships online can look like kids discussing Minecraft or playing the same game on Roblox. These groups can also be made of kids they go to school with or otherwise know in person, or they can be groups that form around interests online. If you have ever been part of an online group, then you know that there’s nothing inherently wrong with making friends online that you haven’t met in person. The same is true for kids – some strangers on the internet are just friends we haven’t met yet. Of course, there are some strangers who can mean us harm, so you should definitely be aware of who your kids are talking to online and what they talk about. These conversations can look like asking about any of their friends in real life – names (or screen names, which can be an identity as long as you use the same name consistently), what they talk about and what games they are playing together, what they know about this friend outside of playing the game, etc. Many kids will also get on voice chat and you can hear their side of the conversations. Keeping a communication channel open with your kid and discussing (this means sometimes your kid gets to be the expert, too!) ways that are and are not appropriate to act in different games and online interactions is critical to keeping them safe online and developing their skills to be able to identify suspicious people online.

Parasocial Relationships

Being online also enables kids to develop “parasocial” relationships (Hoffner & Bond, 2022), where you don’t have a personal relationship with the person, you just follow them. These have existed since well before the internet, with people following the lives of celebrities and public figures, but this form of relationship has become nearly ubiquitous online. By following an account online, it can give kids access to whole groups of followers and communities with a shared interest, giving them a strong sense of belonging. This has been touted as the benefit of technology since the internet was first widely accessible and has effectively given space for groups to form for both better and worse – this is how the alt-right pipeline (Marwick et al., 2022) works, but also enables the formation of support communities to connect when they can’t in person (Woznicki et al., 2021; Lotun et al., 2022).

Keeping a communication channel open with your kid is critical to keeping them safe online

In the age of social media and streaming, the nature of the parasocial relationship has also started to shift (Kowert & Daniel Jr., 2021). In many cases the accounts and streaming channels with large followings are still more like “microcelebrities.” And they can include a greater variety of people, including game developers, game communities, streamers, and social media influencers with niche interests. Their communities are small enough and technology provides the opportunity for them to respond to their communities directly. Where traditional parasocial relationships were always one-sided, these new relationships can be more like one-and-a-half sided, where the “celebrity” doesn’t know all of their fans, but can respond in real-time to chats or comment sections.

Online Relationships and Well-Being

While parasocial relationships have often been painted in a bad light, leading to greater loneliness and taking away from offline relationships, Kowert and Daniel Jr.(2021) explain the actual research findings:

[R]esearch has found traditional [parasocial relationships] to be associated with a range of social similarities to traditional social interactions (Giles, 2002; Schramm & Hartmann, 2008; Vorderer, Klimmt, & Ritterfield, 2004), including a reduced sense of loneliness and increasing a sense of social belonging (Greenwood & Long, 2009a, 2009b). Links have also been found between reduced loneliness and the intensity of viewers’ parasocial relationship with onscreen characters further debunking the ideas that parasocial relationships are somehow pathological (Rubin, Perse, & Powell, 1985). The emotions experienced by the viewer have been found to parallel traditional, two-way social interactions, suggesting they are comparable in at least some ways (Daniel & Westerman, 2017), including the ways they can positively impact social and psychological well-being.

Parasocial relationships and the online communities that exist around them can be lifesaving for people who struggle with their mental health. As described in deWit et al. (2020):

Several people due to their depression or anxiety, [stated] it was simply impossible for them to build and maintain these real-world relationships. For these people, Twitch [a popular streaming platform] was a way to have at least some form of a social connection … In addition, the participants in our study seemed well aware of the difference between the virtual and the real world, and the one-sided nature of the relationship between themselves and the streamer.

Dangers of Online Relationships

We would not be giving you a full picture if we didn’t address the dangers that can come with online relationships. Any online social space can be compared to a busy downtown in a major city. There are huge numbers of people coming and going, with their own intentions, interests, and purposes. We wouldn’t leave our kids to navigate an unfamiliar city center alone, so we also shouldn’t abandon them to online experiences without support and guidance. In fact, even scarier than a physical city center, you can’t even be sure about anything with the people around you that you don’t already know – you can’t even be sure they are who they claim to be, including who is a kid and who is an adult.

Cyberbullying is also a big buzzword often used to scare parents, teachers, and politicians alike to keep kids offline. Cyberbullying is like traditional bullying, just online and with a cooler name. While we see reports that bullying, and especially cyberbullying, is on the rise (Bali et al., 2023), I couldn’t find any actual research to show that was the case. Overall rates of bullying and cyberbullying are not changing (Kennedy 2021; Kennedy et al. 2024). Despite all the media attention, cyberbullying is also more rare than many other types of bullying. Modecki and colleagues (2014) report that traditional offline bullying is twice as common as cyberbullying.

As parents, our job is to guide our kids safely through their environments, both physical and virtual. Kids respond best when we come to them with an attitude of curiosity and ask them questions about their friends and interactions rather than assuming we know what’s going on and decreeing what is and is not acceptable. If you hear anything weird about their interactions, you can ask more questions, including whether these things seem weird to them and what other people’s motivations might be. This helps to teach our kids what questions they should be asking themselves so they can stay safe as they grow more independent.

As with any activity, it’s important for you as a parent to weigh the pros and cons for your child. Also keep in mind that as your child grows up, they will expect more independence in their relationships, both in real life and online. Online social and parasocial relationships can be a good opportunity to practice relationship skills with appropriate parent guidance and support, but it can also be a strange new world and you shouldn’t leave them to navigate it alone.

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References

1. Hartup, W. W. (1998). The company they keep: Friendships and their developmental significance. In The Social Child. Psychology Press.

2. Hoffner, C. A., & Bond, B. J. (2022). Parasocial relationships, social media, & well-being. Current Opinion in Psychology, 45, 101306. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2022.101306

3. Kowert, R., & Daniel, E. (2021). The one-and-a-half sided parasocial relationship: The curious case of live streaming. Computers in Human Behavior Reports, 4, 100150. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chbr.2021.100150

4. Lotun, S., Lamarche, V. M., Samothrakis, S., Sandstrom, G. M., & Matran-Fernandez, A. (2022). Parasocial relationships on YouTube reduce prejudice towards mental health issues. Scientific Reports, 12(1), 16565. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41598-022-17487-3

5. Marwick, A., Clancy, B., & Furl, K. (2022). Far-Right Online Radicalization: A Review of the Literature. The Bulletin of Technology & Public Life. https://doi.org/10.21428/bfcb0bff.e9492a11

6. Osgood, D. W., Ragan, D. T., Dole, J. L., & Kreager, D. A. (2022). Similarity of friends versus nonfriends in adolescence: Developmental patterns and ecological influences. Developmental Psychology, 58(7), 1386–1401. https://doi.org/10.1037/dev0001359

7. Woznicki, N., Arriaga, A. S., Caporale-Berkowitz, N. A., & Parent, M. C. (2021). Parasocial relationships and depression among LGBQ emerging adults living with their parents during COVID-19: The potential for online support. Psychology of Sexual Orientation and Gender Diversity, 8(2), 228–237. https://doi.org/10.1037/sgd0000458

8. Giles, D. C. (2002). Parasocial interaction: A review of the literature and a model for future research. Media psychology, 4(3), 279-305. https://doi.org/10.1207/S1532785XMEP0403_04

9. Schramm, H., & Hartmann, T. (2008). The PSI-Process Scales. A new measure to assess the intensity and breadth of parasocial processes. https://doi.org/10.1515/COMM.2008.025

10. Vorderer, P., Klimmt, C., & Ritterfeld, U. (2004). Enjoyment: At the heart of media entertainment. Communication theory, 14(4), 388-408. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1468-2885.2004.tb00321.x

11. Greenwood, D. N., & Long, C. R. (2009a). Mood specific media use and emotion regulation: Patterns and individual differences. Personality and Individual differences, 46(5-6), 616-621. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2009.01.002

12. Greenwood, D. N., & Long, C. R. (2009b). Psychological predictors of media involvement: Solitude experiences and the need to belong. Communication Research, 36(5), 637-654. https://doi.org/10.1177/0093650209338906

13. Rubin, A. M., Perse, E. M., & Powell, R. A. (1985). Loneliness, parasocial interaction, and local television news viewing. Human communication research, 12(2), 155-180. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1468-2958.1985.tb00071.x

14. Daniel Jr, E. S., & Westerman, D. K. (2017). Valar Morghulis (all parasocial men must die): Having nonfictional responses to a fictional character. Communication Research Reports, 34(2), 143-152. https://doi.org/10.1080/08824096.2017.1285757

15. deWit et al. (2020)De Wit, J., Van der Kraan, A., & Theeuwes, J. (2020). Live streams on twitch help viewers cope with difficult periods in life. Frontiers in psychology, 11, 586975. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2020.586975

16. Bali et al 2023Bali, D., Pastore, M., Indrio, F., Giardino, I., Vural, M., Pettoello-Mantovani, C., ... & Pettoello-Mantovani, M. (2023). Bullying and cyberbullying increasing in preadolescent children. The Journal of Pediatrics, 261. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jpeds.2023.113565

17. Kennedy, R. S. (2021). Bullying trends in the United States: A meta-regression. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 22(4), 914-927. https://doi.org/10.1177/1524838019888555

18. Kennedy, R. S., Dendy, K., & Lawrence, A. (2024). Trends in traditional bullying and cyberbullying victimization by race and ethnicity in the United States: A meta-regression. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 101958. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.avb.2024.101958

19. Modecki and colleagues (2014)Modecki, K. L., Minchin, J., Harbaugh, A. G., Guerra, N. G., & Runions, K. C. (2014). Bullying prevalence across contexts: A meta-analysis measuring cyber and traditional bullying. Journal of Adolescent Health, 55(5), 602-611. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jadohealth.2014.06.007